What it’s Like to Live With a Skin Picking Disorder

A Day In The Life

For over 5 years now I have struggled with skin picking or excoriation disorder. This disorder, closely related to OCD, is a type of Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviour.

Almost every day for the last 5 years I have taken hours out of my day to repeatedly pick at my skin. At my worst, I’ve had skin lesions the size of quarters covering my face. At my best, I have hundreds of scars covering my body.

Treatment is complicated, I have gone the dermatology route and invested in top of the line skincare. Acne or not I will find something to pick at. I have been in and out of therapy and counseling for 4 years now. Nothing. Everything I work at to combat my disorder is torn down by the urge to pick.

I’ve tried the super short nails (I’ll just use tweezers), I’ve tried the fake nails (tweezers), I’ve tried the encouraging notes to myself (bullshit), covering the mirror (I have eyes). I’ve tried the quitting apps, the timing myself, the covering my arms. Still to this day, I can’t seem to fight the disorder.

Some may call it dramatic or think it’s easier to stop than it looks, but it’s just not that simple. Today I’m going to be sharing a day in my life, skin picking and all.

Good Morning

Like everyone else my first stop in the morning (after browsing Instagram for 20 minutes) is the washroom. I start brushing my teeth as I slowly inch my face closer to the mirror, like a magnet. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I notice my back hurting. I pause brushing my teeth and attack the tiny pore I found on my forehead.

5 minutes

Right! I’m brushing my teeth. I continue, trying desperately to avoid looking at my skin knowing there are at least 4 tiny blackheads I haven’t picked at yet.

Once I’m done I can’t fight the urge any longer and I quickly resume the search for imperfections to tear out.

10 minutes

My face is red all over, my back is aching beyond belief. The satisfaction of picking no longer outways the discomfort I now feel from doing this for so long.

Snapping myself back to reality I start my skincare routine. Hoping and praying that it will reverse the inflammation and lesions I’ve just caused.

Getting Dressed

The second my arms are exposed and the light from my window hits them I scan my arms and as far onto my back as my neck will let me look.

I start tearing at what I assume are going to be the start of pimples.

A little fun fact about me, I also have a skin condition in my family called keratosis pilaris, which basically just causes tiny bumps on the back of my arms. A damn heyday for my skin picking disorder.

20 minutes

Once again the pain from cranking my neck back to see behind my arms outweighs the urge to pick and I finally stop. Unless I don’t have somewhere to go I’m definitely late getting ready by now. Which is one of the most annoying things about this disorder.

Putting on makeup

In recent months this would cause another 10 minutes of starting and stopping my mascara application. However, recently I have invested in a light foundation that helps me avoid looking too close for imperfection and this has become one of the easiest parts of my morning routine.

A win for me! I get to look stunning and avoid more holes in my face.

Driving

Wherever I’m going the first part of my trip is easy. Then I stop at a red light. No matter how long I have to stop, my eyes drift down to my arms.

I glance back and forth from the road to my arms hoping that it will stay red long enough for me to fight off the urge to pick more than I already have. If I’m lucky I notice the car in front of me move while I’m picking. If I’m not I get a lovely honk from the cars lined up behind me.

Trust me I wish it was as easy as it sounds to just not pick, especially while driving. No matter where I am if I have the urge, I’ll find a way to pick.

Leisure time

If I have a couple of minutes or even seconds I will find a bump on my skin and try to get it off. These couple minutes can quickly turn into a half-hour before I even notice I’ve started picking.

There are a couple of people in my life who are aware of my skin picking. disorder and are very active in wanting to help me quit. When spending leisure time with someone like this I tend to begin picking.

Once they notice I’m picking, they’re quick to tell me to stop. The thing is I’m already doing that myself.

At Work

For the most part at work, I’m distracted enough not to feel an urge to pick. Theirs also very few chances for me to stand in front of a mirror for 20 minutes.

That being said, anytime I get stressed or annoyed at work I quickly revert that energy to the exposed skin on my arm. With few noticeable bumps there I have even found myself attempting to tear off freckles.

Taking Off My Makeup

The moment I start taking off my makeup I notice the pores on my face. I usually don't get done removing the foundation from my forehead before I divert to picking.

10 minutes

I finally stop picking and finish removing the rest of my makeup. Once that’s done I can’t fight the urge any longer and I attack the spots I have yet to.

20 minutes

Taking A Shower

I’d love for this to be my favourite time of the day, but it always ends up being the most stressful.

I get undressed in my room and walk to the washroom with my towel. This time. I tell myself, as I prepare to walk in and quickly get in the shower before I have a chance to pick.

I turn the water on and wait a couple of seconds for it to warm up. But that’s all it takes. Just a couple of seconds before I remember that my shoulders and chest are exposed.

Fine just one. I look back towards my shoulder and instantly notice more than one thing to pick at and before I know it…

30 minutes

I stop not because I want to but because I’m disappointed. Disappointed that once again I failed to fight the urge. Disappointed that yet again I’ve let the water run for 30 minutes before even getting into the shower. Just disappointed.

I finish taking my shower and expect to have learned my lesson, but then I look at the mirror and without even realizing it I’m inches away examining my face.

20 minutes

That’s it Folks

The average time I spend picking at my skin in a day is an hour and a half. That's over one hour of my day every day that I waste on ruining my skin. I don’t get that back.

My skin picking throughout the day makes me late to work, procrastinate important things, and has even put me in danger while driving. It has made it difficult for me to go out in public, focus and has even affected my confidence in myself.

It may seem foreign to some why I can’t just stop, but after 5 years of this engraved into my brain, it has become a major part of my life. I’m still working on it to this day and hopefully I can explore new opportunities to stop in the future. Ones that actually work this time.